On Loss and Gratitude by Guest Kelli Murray

July 3, 2013

Posted 09/12

I met Kelli this year through blogging, and feel as if we are old friends. She has an incredible spirit about her, and a heart of gold. Not to mention she is an insanely talented artist. So grateful she is here today to share a very delicate piece of her heart. I know you all will love this family as much as I do!
___

Hi! My name is Kelli Murray. I’m an illustrator, graphic designer, and blogger. I’m mama to a baby girl named Rylee Jean, and wife to a boy named Sam. And I’m so happy to be here!

When Anna asked me to write something about motherhood, there were about 100 things I felt like I could touch on. How having a baby changed my life for the better, the challenges of being a working mom and striving to find that balance….being present and intentional with my daughter without sacrificing all of me. There were just so many things! I have never in my life made more mistakes nor grown more as a person than I have the last year after having Rylee. But what changed me more than all of that is something that happened more recently.

2 months ago we lost our second baby. The moment I saw that little heartbeat on the monitor, I was attached. I couldn’t be more excited to grow our little family and to give Rylee a sibling. I dreamed about what they would look like and the sound of their cry….and I looked forward to growing that little person inside of me for the next 9 months. But God had different plans. I tried to be rational about it and tell myself that it happens all the time. But knowing that didn’t help the emptiness I felt inside. All these hopes and dreams I had for this tiny soul, were suddenly gone. It was one of the most heart breaking things I’ve gone through, and yet, it changed me completely.

I didn’t expect the piercing sadness….and at the same time, I didn’t expect to be flooded with an overwhelming thankfulness for the perfect, healthy little girl that I do have. I hold on to her just that much closer. Loosing that baby opened my eyes to the true miracle that pregnancy really is. The fact that a woman’s body has the ability to grow new life is beyond me. It softened my heart to those struggling with infertility and it reminds me every day how thankful I am to be a mom. Motherhood is a gift, and nothing I ever deserved.

So in the end, all I can be is grateful. I still look forward to the day when we can add another member to our family, but until then, I am doing my best to fully enjoy the one I’ve got.

Kelli
(Kellimurray.com)

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Talyah says:

July 3, 2013 at 3:33 pm

This meant a lot to me. I went through something very similar in May. I found out the day of my son’s 1st birthday party that I was pregnant. Like you, I immediately started thinking of the future, of the relationship my son would have with the baby. My sister is also pregnant and our babies would have been born two months apart. I just started making all of these plans. I also was and am convinced it was a girl. So, when the bleeding started, I was devastated. It lasted for nearly four weeks, was very painful and made me very sick. It has been so hard. People ask me how I’m handling it and I don’t know what to tell them. It does make you thankful. It does cause you to respect and admire the miracle that is life and the ability to create it. It is something that always seemed “passing” when it happened to other people. Now that I have experienced it, I will never be the same. I don’t have one child, I have two. It helps to know that I am not alone.

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lindsey marlor says:

July 3, 2013 at 4:17 pm

you spoke the words right out of my mouth! we have been going through almost identical things.. and just came up on the due date of our miscarriage last month with still not being able to get pregnant. Like you, I am thankful for my little girl every day and appreciate more than ever the ability women have to be blessed with motherhood!
http://www.pillowthought.com/2013/06/june-29th.html

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Liz Marie says:

July 3, 2013 at 5:28 pm

O my. The tears are in my eyes. Because I know how you feel, I recently lost my first child & the pain is there everyday. But like you I became so thankful for the things in my life that I had. My life, my amazing husband, my family, my friends… the list goes on. I am thankful that people announcing they are pregnant still makes me excited & that I have hope for our future children. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Liz Marie
My loss: http://www.lizmarieblog.com/2013/05/our-first-child/

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Amy
says:

July 3, 2013 at 9:19 pm

I miscarried one day shy of completing my first trimester, it would have been our fourth child. It was 6 years ago, and it wasn’t but a year ago that I was able to look at the ultrasound photo and not feel overwhelming sadness. I am older than you girls, : ), and I knew that was my last opportunity to have more children. As Kelli said, I was so thankful to have my three boys here and available to smother w my love.
No one has mentioned this, but I was a little angry too…I felt like my body failed and that was the reason we lost our baby.

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Maureen
says:

July 3, 2013 at 9:27 pm

You spoke the words of my sister.
I was not able to have children due to a health issue.
My sister was pregnant and she gave birth to a little girl who unfortunately passed two hours later. Then 8 months later she found herself pregnant again only this time my sister was also diagnosed with stage four non-hodkgins. Then she lost the baby and due to the cancer treatment she was unable to have her own biological children. My sister is the mother of a 10 1/2 yr old that was adopted. I see this little girl and she is my niece she is my sister’s daughter and she is my parents granddaughter. There is always hope.

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Danielle
says:

July 3, 2013 at 11:30 pm

Thank you so much for sharing this. It takes guts. My husband and I experienced the loss of our first child two months ago when he was delivered still born when I was 34 weeks pregnant. We were and are devastated. Yet, I am grateful that I had 8 months to carry him and get to know him. I still consider myself a mom and I am finding ways to experience the gratitude you wrote about. More than anything I look forward to someday making a family and being able to tell them about their brother who will be looking out for them from heaven. Thank you for sharing…it’s a reminder that everyone has a story and that there’s hope in how we use our stories.

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janaki says:

July 4, 2013 at 7:39 am

This is a wonderful post. Totally agree. Congrats Ana. You have lovely friends who are making your blog even more special with their great posts. Take Care..

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Aanie says:

July 5, 2013 at 1:07 am

Beautiful post. So true. I think it’s very easy to get caught up in the business, stress and routine of being a parent that we can sometimes forget what an absolute gift and blessing it is. Thank you for the reminder xx

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Aanie says:

July 5, 2013 at 1:08 am

*i think i meant busyness 😉

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j says:

July 8, 2013 at 5:12 am

Thank you for sharing that..

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Ana Hahn says:

July 9, 2013 at 11:28 am

I am so sorry for your loss, what a beautiful reminder to never take the miracle of life for granted. Thank you!!

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Kelli Murray's Blog » Blog Archive » OVERALLS AND FLOWER CROWNS says:

July 10, 2013 at 8:48 am

[…] know, last week I guest posted for Anna on her blog, In Honor of Design, sharing my thoughts on loss and gratitude. I thought I’d share the link in case you were interested in reading! And if you’ve […]

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angel swanson says:

July 10, 2013 at 6:05 pm

love sweet Kelli & loved reading this post. thank you for sharing a bit of your heart, K! xo

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Alexandra Evjen says:

July 10, 2013 at 7:24 pm

Kelli, I’m so sorry for your loss, but I am encouraged by your perspective. I pray that you would continue to find rest and contentment in God alone, but also pray that He would bless you with another child.

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teddi says:

August 2, 2013 at 10:12 pm

oh dear kelli, such sorrow within your heart full of love.

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product says:

December 29, 2013 at 6:02 pm

Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after checking through some of the post I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely glad I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back frequently!

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May 13, 2014 at 5:03 am

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On Loss and Gratitude by Guest Kelli Murray | In Honor Of Design

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